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Written by Sharon B.
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Monday, 01 November 2010 16:29 |
As we approach the second TransParent Day (Sunday, November 7, 2010) I put down some thoughts on the celebration and the impact so far and some feedback I have received since we launched TransParent Day in 2009.
The Genesis In the summer of 2009 my good friend Erica Fields talked to me about a concern that her daughter had about celebrating "Father's Day" in 2009, a first for Erica and her daughter. Her daughter indicated that it just did not feel right. She proposed that they pick another Sunday in the year to celebrate their relationship. I would be a day for them to recognize Erica's new status as a "Trans Parent" and Erica and the family could celebrate. They would even call it "TransParent" Day. They picked the first Sunday in November to observe the event as that had been a day of celebration in Erica's family due to the fact the she, and and other family members, had been adopted.
When Erica relayed this story to me I told her the idea was way to good to keep to herself. I immediately registered TransParentDay.org and the two of us formed a mission to spread the word about TransParent Day throughout the world. Our first stop was the Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta, GA with a little more than a month away from the first TransParent Day in 2009.
We pounced on the conference with our pink, white and blue wristbands. And spread the word virally about TransParent Day. People got it instantly!
Several hundred wristbands later we had achieved our goal for those days. Get the word out enough so that somebody else knew. Donna Rose blogged about it, Chloe Prince promoted it, Ethan St. Pierre featured an interview with me on his show on TransParent Day 2009. We had made an impression.
It has been a year since that time and a lot has come to pass, all good.
Transgender Mothers and Fathers
I have had a lot of questions posed over the last year with respect to TransParent Day. Things like "Can a transwoman be a mother?" "Is a transman, who has birthed a child, a mother?" I would consider the answer to both questions is a qualified "yes." If we take the biological into the question, any human that gives live birth to another should be considered a "mother", kind of without question. But from there it gets cloudy. Adoption, marriage, divorce, surrogacy, foster parentship, and a whole host of other conditions make unusual mothering, and fathering, situations very possible, and even common. Add being trans to the question and it just adds an additional set of outcomes.
So who decides you are mom or dad or something else? My contention is "we", the transitioners, do not get to decide this. The kids do. Meaning, if they think you are mother, or father, or maddy or whatever, they get to decide if your gender has significance on a day of recognition. You do not get to pick. So if your kids think of you as mom, then you are. 'Nuff said.
What begs the question more is, if you are your children's biological father, can you also be their mother? For you I will offer the answer, I do not know. A lot of this depends on your situation, the relationship you have with your kids, and quite frankly the relationship you have with their mother, or the person they call "Mom", who was not you. To my knowledge, no transwoman has yet to give birth. The same is not true for some transmen. [Note to readers, if you are a transwoman who has given birth contact me immediately I want the rights to your story!]
For me the question is easy, I am not their mother. They have a mother, and it is not me, I did not do the nine months of heavy lifting required. My ex did. And as such, she owns Mother's Day, and should, and for me to try and horn in on it is not only rude, but disrespectful. My children have known me as Dad, and in many ways still do. And that, is ok with me.
And yet I see some biological father transwomen wanting recognition on Mother's day from their kids and others. Seriously? Talk about rewriting history. Talk about ego. I always joked when people showered compliments on the appearance of my newborn sons. I would tell them I was only present for the "initial input." At least from a biological perspective this was true. And so why would a transwoman demand equal billing with the mother of her children? And my personal take, I believe, is the real answer, because Father's day does not work for them anymore.
Some are not going to like that statement as they will claim it perpetuates the gender binary. Sorry. And although I cannot really see the perspective of transmen, who have kids, and Father's day, especially if there is another Dad in the picture I imagine that Mother's day holds similar angst.
Of course all of this pales by comparison to what your kids might actually think. Did you bother to ask them about it? I did. The reality is they, at least in my case, don't care. Yeah, that can hurt too. Mother's and Father's days are something you grow to appreciate as you get older. As you realize what your parents did, or did not, do for you. But we go through the motions with the kids too. The goal I suspect is to teach them that others make sacrifices for their benefit. And for my money that is a good lesson for any person to learn regardless of lineage or gender.
So that leaves us with this problem space. What to do? Nothing fits, or that which does seem to fit often feels awkward.
And so last year my friend Erica and I started TransParentDay and TransParentDay.org to try and fill that gap. And the reason was we wanted to do this is to create a safe place where we can forget about all of this conflicting gender and parenting stuff, if for only a day. The idea is pretty straight forward. If you are trans, in any variety, and you have kids, you can celebrate the day with your kids, without any of the traditional trappings, angst or pain.
We do not want this to detract from anybody that prefers to use Mother's or Father's day. Please, by all means, if that is what you normally do, then go right ahead, it is not a competition. Call it augmentation, or an alternative. And if you do celebrate then by all means let us know so we can share your experiences with others.
To date we have produced 3500 wristbands. They have been distributed in places like Washington DC, Baltimore, Philadelphia, Boston, Chicago, New York, Atlanta, Portland OR, Seattle, Harrisburg, New Haven, St. Louis, Anchorage, Winnepeg and likely many other places I do not know about. I know our reach has become global with folks in the UK and Germany sporting wristbands. I am always thrilled when I see somebody I have never met posting a photo online and look, there is a wristband.
On TransParent Day 2010 I know of celebrations that will be held in Alaska, Oregon, Minnesota and here in my home state of Maryland. I know many of these will involve TransParented families. And it does my heart good to see that almost all of these efforts are going without my, or Erica's, direct involvement, meaning this idea belongs to everybody, I am merely a messenger, as are now all of you too.
Reflections On The Year
In June 2010 we made a second splash at the Be All Conference in Chicago, this time in coordination with the conference organizers. Every attendee got a wristband. In September Erica, and a cast of others, were doing the work in Atlanta again. The word is out and grows.
I now find when I travel to a "trans" event, people are sporting the wristbands, even before I get there, and even though I do not know who they are, and they do not know me. I often will ask what is it? Just to see how clear the message has traveled. I am never disappointed.
Upon meeting a person who asked me for a wristband she explained that she had given hers away. I asked to whom, she stated she was at the National Cathedral in Washington DC and had given it to the Dean of the Cathedral. I heard from transgender ministers, who wanted to celebrate the day in their church and would I send them wristbands.
I have heard from countless support groups, physicians and therapists (who keep them in their offices), friends of friends. Never have I seen an idea spread in a community with such ease and lack of effort.
And mostly I hear about hope. Hope that estranged families might be reconnected on this day. That families with discord, are planning on putting it aside for a day to celebrate each other. These are all good things.
TransParent Day has given me faith that the goodness in people transcends gender and stereotypes. That folks do realize that there are many, many excellent transgender parents out there that love their children and that there are many children that hold that same love for their parents. This is a very good thing.
Happy TransParent Day to you and your children. May we all live in peace.
Sharon |
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Sharon on TransFM on TransParentDay |
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Written by Administrator
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Friday, 30 October 2009 17:30 |
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Sharon was Ethan's guest on November 1, 2009, the first TransParent Day!
You can listen to the interview here...
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 02 September 2010 23:08 )
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Written by Administrator
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Monday, 05 October 2009 11:59 |
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To my surprise my 13 year old son calls me over to his computer. He knows about TransParentDay.org and what I have been working on with respect to it. I knew he thought it was kind of cool, but I did not know how cool he thought it really is. He says "Dad", which I am, "come look at this".
To my delight on the screen is the image you see above. He made it, by himself, in photoshop. I am really pretty surprised. On two fronts. First that he has that level of command of the program at age 13, and second that he really understands about TransParentDay. I suggested to him that this could be the cover of the first card ever made for TransParentDay. He says "really?". I tell him I will put it up on the site, and let others download it and share.
So we have and jpg and a pdf of it now on the site. Download it and feel free to modify and format for your own use.
Happy Trans Parent Day
Sharon |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 05 October 2009 12:12 )
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Written by Sharon B.
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Sunday, 30 August 2009 00:00 |
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This past week has been a bit of a roller coaster.
On Monday I had eye surgery. As some call it cataract surgery. This was in my left eye, my right eye had a similar surgery in 2007. The surgery was uneventful, I will spare the squeamish the details. But as of Tuesday I was 20/20 in the "new" eye. And now 20/20 in both eyes for the first time in my life, no more glasses, no more contacts, ever. That is great news, as I can now see everything, including having a much easier time putting my makeup on which I did a very lightweight, Sunday housewife, homebody version today. Now this was no usual Sunday though, as it was the first Sunday in my new home, and the first where my eldest Son was asleep in his own room...
As some of you know, I started moving into my own house two weeks ago. And I have been enjoying some of the freedom that has brung. On Friday, unbeknownst to his mother, my eldest son (15) moved into my new house. This was his choice, he had told me on many occasions that upon my departure from the "marital home" he wished to come with me. And so it was done on Friday.
I can condense his mother's reaction to one word, pissed. So pissed that that very evening she had all the locks on the house changed, for fear that I might abscond with Son #2 (who is 13, 5-9, and nearly 200 lbs). Did I mention that Son #1 is 6-3 and 265lbs? Oh I just did. These are hardly kids that I can "make" do anything. None the less, he is here in my house. And so on Saturday, I proposed that he might meet "me", the real me, Sharon on Sunday.
I asked him how he felt about it beforehand, and he said, he would have no issues with it, and that I should do what makes me comfortable. So this fine day, I got up, got dressed, put my hair on (god I hope the rest grows faster) and a minimal makeup. I was stressed about my outfit, as I wanted to "scream" normal to him. So capri jeans and sandals, white cami and and a nice orange shirt from Coldwater Creek over the top. Can you say Soccer Mom. I can. And this was me.
I tapped on his door but did not go in. I told him to rise, he went back to sleep. So I went to the kitchen and in a Donna Reed-esque frenzy whipped up a batch of blueberry muffins from scratch. The aroma got him out of bed, and I warned him prior to entry to the kitchen that Sharon was home. He came in, blinked his eyes a bit, and said, wait for it. "Not Bad". I told him I had only a touch of makeup on, that I usually wore more, but with the eye thing I was limited. He said it was ok.
Now my Son has Aspbergers. And that means a few things. For one, he is not really good at reading your feelings, and second it means he kind of just tells the truth as he sees it. For example, he might just say, "hey you are fat", instead of "you could stand to lose a few". And so any comment from him would be the unvarnished truth as he sees it. I said, in response to the "not bad", ok what needs fixing? He said, not very much, he suggested I might get some surgery on my face to "soften" my look. Oddly enough that is something I can agree on. And is probably my first date with a surgeon's knife on this journey.
I asked about my voice, he said it was almost perfect. But could use a little more help. I will take that too, I start some local therapy there too in a few weeks, although I have friends that tell me I do not need it, I will let the experts tell me I don't instead. I asked about my look, clothes etc. He said "you look great".
We went about our chores today. We talked about me, my plans, my friends. About full time, I asked him if he knew what that would mean. He said "you would be a girl all the time". I asked how he felt about it. He said fine, he expected to get used to it as he felt upon seeing me today that it was inevitable. We went the rest of the day hanging speakers, putting furniture together, cooking, cleaning and other chores.
While sitting at dinner I ask, "Well you have seen me for a whole day, if you did not know me before what would you think. My son says, "I would think you were a woman", "It works... Surprisingly". He takes me as a woman, and has treated me that way all day and at the same time, I am still "Dad". The dichotomy perplexes even me. And I should be ok with it as I am both a woman, and Dad, at the same time. Confused, well you should try being me...
And so, now peering from my new and improved eye I can start to see a future that works. My wife will not let go and I suspect there will be some kind of legal action against me this week. But I am pretty sure, having your son move in with you, when it is his choice is ok.
In fact we stopped back home on Saturday and my soon-to-be ex spouse tried to make hay with my son on me being Trans. It did not work. I am sure she thinks I have brain washed him. But not only did it not work, it backfired. My son clearly sees that her primary issue is me being Trans, something she denies and yet uses at every turn to further her case. A subject that he thinks is a personal issue for me. And he told her so. And even after those dire warnings from her he was still ok with me, all day today.
We talked more, and he tells me I can be Sharon anytime I want, and that he would be happy to go places with me. I will not try that with him for a while. First I want him to meet my friends, get comfortable with other Transfolk. I expect he will be meeting a lot of them in coming weeks. And he will see a lot more of the real me. He is a remarkable kid, I am truly blessed, not only can now I see 20/20, my son can see me 20/20 too. |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 05 October 2009 14:04 )
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Written by Sharon B.
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Tuesday, 21 July 2009 00:00 |
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So as many of you regular readers may note, I am in the middle of a separation and custody battle. From what I can see we have something akin to the trench warfare and stalemate found in the middle of the first world war. Each side hunkered down, occasionally lobbing shells over the horizon for effect. Waiting for the other guy to stick his head up above the edge of the trench only to hear the report of a rifle some distance away and the whiz, or worse, of a well placed round.
Of course tanks made a difference in ending that situation. But in my case I have chosen to take a WWII tactic and use strategic bombing. Better to keep my enemy at bay by taking away his/her ammunition than just trying to overwhelm with sheer force. And so this is what I have been up to. Taking away the ammo.
I know, you are saying, Sharon you are rambling with metaphors again. Cut it out. Well not so fast. Here is her (my wife's) ammo. I am trans. There it is, it fits in five letters. She is counting on the shock value of that out in the real world. And so I have been taking away that ammo, bit by tiny bit.
If I win my case for custody my kids will of course come live with me. Probably a majority of the time, and it is not unlikely that it could be all the time. In that vein I felt I probably need to tell them about "me" before that happens. And so toward that end I came out to my 15 year old son about a week ago. Now I do not want to brag here, ok so I do want to brag, but what a kid. Not only did he accept this about me on the spot he said he did not care if I transitioned.
This was a pleasant surprise to me. His words were so kind I was basically unprepared for such a positive response. He told me, you need to do what feels right for you. You are my Dad and I will always love you no matter what you do. I posed a question about would he still want to live with me after the separation is settled (or even before). He seemed puzzled by the question. His answer was of course I do! I warned him that the future might hold a lot more visibility of female me. He said he did not care, but hoped I did not look like a guy in a dress. He said that might draw attention at school. I would have to agree. I asked who he wanted to tell about things. He said nobody, that it was my business. The bottom line, he is supportive, loves me still, and wants me to be his primary "parent". I could not have asked for more.
I tell that story with a caution. As time goes on he may or may not change his tune. And I realize this is a real possibility. But it is promising in that he has not changed his opinion of me, at least not that I can tell. A bigger challenge now will be my 13 year old son.
The response from my son bolstered me into action at the next level, removal of more ammunition. I had been scheduled to visit my parents, now in their 70's, but active and together. So last week I went up to see them, a one hour plane flight. There were three tasks at hand, my usual list of chores, which in this case included a new HDTV, going with them to sign their wills, I am executor, and lastly, come out to them. The last one was a maybe, it really depended on how the rest of the week went.
The first two tasks were uneventful, I did my usual magic and now they have state of the art entertainment. The wills are signed. And so I decided Thursday would be coming out day. I was bolstered by the fact that my friend Jude was doing that very thing for hundreds of present and former co-workers on the very same day. I figured if she could do it for that many, I ought to be able to for two, albeit special, people.
7am
And so my day started, rising, showering, getting dressed (boy mode naturally) and sitting down to a breakfast with the two of them. Everybody was in good spirits so I started the dialog after we had cleared the dishes. I will just relay the high points. I explained that I had a secret. And that the secret was the kind that could alter lives forever. And then I told them I was TS, what that meant, what it means to me, and what I may do about it.
The response was surprising at best. First off my Dad came out to me about a secret of his own (Details are personal). And he told me that he understood my pain. And that I could have come to him years ago with this. He said he accepts that this is how I am and he will just have to take some time to get used to it. He asked me for a photo of Sharon, and I gave him one. Hugs and tears were had. We were both free of a burden.
Both my parents were supportive of me, what I am doing, how I am fighting for my family. I asked if they wanted to change the wills, ink yet drying on them. They said, why? I said because of today, my disclosure, they said no. In fact they only wanted to know how a possible gender and name change might effect their wills, something I had already asked counsel about. As long as my name change doc is present there is no issue.
Mom tends to be more clinical, she and I are a lot alike, and now she knows one way we are more alike. She jokes, well I always had wanted a daughter. When I told her my full name was Tracy Sharon she was surprised as Tracy was the girls name she had picked out years ago. She too looked at my photos. I think the photos were important so as they might see something other than "guy in a dress" in their minds. They needed to see I would be ok, accepted in society, or at least accepted by most. It made it real.
3pm
We talked a lot. About things relative to being trans, about what was happening with my marriage, about how being trans would effect my work. I answered any and all questions. After a bit mom came and put her arms around me. She says, I might not like this so much, but I accept it, and I want you to be happy. This is a big thing. Then, to my surprise, she dragged me to her closet where she started making a pile of 2X tops that no longer fit her. Some good stuff too Lands End, JMS, etc. Things I would actually wear. To me this was the first real gesture of acceptance on her part.
4:30pm
We go out for a bite to eat after packing the car with my meager bags. Chinese Buffet, not my favorite but certainly a novelty in the small town they live in. I go along, we talk, there is no uncomfortableness in the conversation. I tell them there is no rush with this. I do ask them to be confidential about it, especially with people in my world that they may know. I know they will not be able to contain it forever.
7pm
They drop me at the airport, hugs abound, love is known to all. I am loved, and it is a good feeling. I stroll the concourse wondering what my future holds. I will see my folks in about two weeks for an outdoor event. We will meet in the middle of PA for a couple days. My oldest son will come with me. I will be there with 3 members of my family who all know, and support me on this journey. This may have been the most significant 12 hours in my life. I feel a burden lift. And I can see that this ammo pile is getting lower. I have taken ownership of the issue, at least with those who matter most to me
Epilogue
I do not know if the good feelings will last. I am hopeful. I have dumped a lot on these people I love. And I know that they are going to need to talk to others, to learn how to cope or adjust. And that will take time. I have no action to prove myself to them, no need to push "me" into their faces. My plan is just to be natural and pace myself. I hope that eventually we all end up in the same place.
Epilogue to the Epilogue
July 20th
I came out to my youngest son, age 13, this night. Again I was amazed at the insight of my children. His words were "I do not care what your color, religion or gender are, it does not matter to me, and you are the person who taught me to think this way." I could not be prouder... |
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Last Updated ( Monday, 05 October 2009 14:13 )
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